Warrior

What day is it today? It's my birthday! I don't want to celebrate it, but I do like to be aware of this day. The question for this year : what do I want in this life. All these years, all I wanted to do is talk about mental health and its importance. That has been my goal ever since diploma. To be someone who helps people. But... People always tell me that I need to focus on myself first and others second. Maybe I need to learn how to do that. I'm in my 30's now and I should act like one. What word is best at describing my life right now? Confused. That's the word : confused. Each birthday I ask myself the same question. What do I want in this life. I want to be a part of society, especially sharing about mental health. I want to learn and educate myself and others about mental health. I used to be soooooo active and so full of information, but now I am stuck with the little knowledge that I know. I read and watch videos about mental health, read books about it, lea...

 MasyaAllah, it has been awhile since I last posted something. I was enjoying the month of Ramadhan that I have forgotten to write anything about it, and now it's the month of Syawal! The month where we celebrate the end of Ramadhan and rejoice with accomplishments and joy. Last year my brother and his family came from Labuan to celebrate. This year my little sister is here and I am out of this world! I have always been this clingy sister to my brother and sisters, so yes, my clinginess can be so annoying, but who cares! I love them to bits! However, I might say, there would be a part of me being disappointed with people during this Eid. Why do we condemn people when we can pick each other up and progress? Why can't we be kind and empathetic? Why must we say hurtful things? In this month of Syawal, we try to ask for forgiveness and spread joy and love. Remind each other that there are many kinds of people and there might be a part of them that doesn't find our presence comf...

 I have published a post about the new year, but some good part of it made me sigh in self disappointment. Should I blame others? No, I shouldn't. But, it's all in the past now. I just hope it stays as the past where I would learn self-control and discipline. I need a new boost of confidence for 2026 to make a change in my life. My idle life. As always, a new year means a new set of resolutions. The only resolutions that I have for 2026 would be to live healthily and to be able to read 2 books per month. The former is scary, but I used to be fit, so there's no reason for me not to be fit again. Who knows... It could boost my confidence. Probably would make me feel good about myself -- for once after this past few years. Now... For my reading goal this year, I think I can achieve 2 books per month, so total would be 24 books for this year. I only managed to read 8 books last year, so I really need to have this resolution in order for me to (at least) achieve my target. Howev...

Andailah dapat jadi seperti mereka. Gah gemilang dalam segala apa dalam kehidupan. Aku di sini hanya menanti dan terus menanti. Belum tiba masanya lagi, tapi tetap ditembak dengan peluru kata yang menyakitkan. Bukannya aku tak mencuba, tapi aku cuba setiap hari. Aku bukan mereka; mereka sentiasa dapat apa yang mereka hajati. Aku? Aku tersekat dek batas segala. Aku tidak minta apa-apa pun. Aku hanya inginkan doa. Doa agar aku mampu menjalani hidup ini dengan baiknya sepertimana baiknya hidup untuk kalian. Benar. Aku juga mungkin dapat apa yang diingini, tapi itu berbeza. Aku bukan kalian. Namun... Kalian jugalah batu yang membantu untuk aku kembali stabil dalam hidup yang penuh onar ini. Kalian jugalah yang menadah tangan untuk aku pegang. Kalian jugalah tempat aku bersadu rasa. Kalian jugalah jantung hati hidup aku. Jadi, kenapa aku hendak merungut? Benar. Aku tidak sama seperti orang lain. Benar, aku hanyalah menusia yang darjatnya tidak tinggi menggunung. Benar, akulah orang yang tid...

Today we were greeted with a news of the passing of Nur Areefah, a strong mental health warrior, who co-found Malaysian Mental Care Association. She fought a long battle with cancer and has been the most prominent people in sharing and advocating about mental health. Her passing was truly felt as people kept pouring out stories, wonderful stories, about her, her humour, her personality and her professionalism. She was non-stop with all her job and made it a safe place to share about mental health. I have observed her for years, and despite only have had met her 4 times, and it was years ago, I can still feel her wonderful ambiance. Her wonderful way to greet people with open arms and never even complain when she was battling cancer for all these years. I am a witness to all her strength, hard work and contributions that she has made into the world of mental health in Malaysia. Her passing was shared amongst all the people she had helped, and that includes me. Her passing made me reflec...

Oh verily so! This strength is depleting and this emotional combat is nearing its end; which side will win? Depression is something. It is not just a name, but a feeling. The feeling of spiraling downwards, being dragged into an abyss of darkness, being crushed down into the pavement, that feeling of shivering cold, that feeling of being alone and yet still feeling fear. And it just doesn't go away. No matter what I do, it doesn't go away. People would never guess that someone has depression. They might look happy, always filled with laughter and jokes. They are the ones who are so empathetic and always there with a helping hand. They are probably someone with so many aspirations and motivation. They might be someone pious. They look like everyone else. I'll take Robin Williams as an example. In 2014, we lost a great comedian and celebrity. No one ever thought that he was facing depression. You should look at all his interviews, so merry, glee, full of laughter and jokes. N...

14/3/2015 In recent time, I have encountered countless questions and requests for advice regarding the issue on intentions and also on challenges. To be honest, I don't think I am fit to be asked these kind of question, because like anyone else, I, too, am still struggling in these matters. Today, I went to a forum conducted by DPIK 6E focusing on a topic regarding challenges, trials and tribulations. The whole forum was beneficial, because most of what was brought up managed to answer some of the said questions above. Matter of fact, it did not only answered those questions, but it brought some peace into my heart that has been aching for a few weeks now. As we all know, when we were given this life, challenges and trials are to be expected. They are inevitable. Allah SWT created men WITH challenges to face. Like what Ust Fadhluzaman had said in the forum, if a person has no sins then the person should be dead, because perfection is something only Allah possesses. Allah SWT is ind...

As darkness sweep the sky, the cats and dogs outside, wind blowing from every direction harboring this chill a chill I call unhappiness. Echoes upon echoes words upon words but never one understood the meaning behind those words. "Express yourself!" they say Maybe it's too indirect but if it direct, what'll it be? The sun, its light shining bright Darkness gone, and cats and dogs gone. Should this sun get hold of my heart? And shower it with warmth and happiness? Lies! Why does the sun burn me? Why is this heat too much to bear? Why is it too bright and mars my vision? I lost dark and day. Yes, I lost the meaning of life, and no one cares....

 I've been reading Healing The Invisible Wound  by Dr Ahmad Rostam, Dr Rozanizam and Dr Alizi Alias. This would be my second time reading the book because of its mutual understanding of what I've been facing. From moving on to how to go through trauma. It is a really good book to read, start until end. I bought it at PBAKL 2 months ago, but sadly, I wasn't able to attend their meet & greet as I was occupied with life. However, PBAKL'23 was great -- I get to see Hilal Asyraf again and bought his books and let him signed each one of them. Enough PBAKL'23. I am here to write the things that I learned from the said book. I might share each topic in its own post -- but as of now, I'm going to focus on topic one : move on. I am someone who is not suitable when talking about moving on as I've been lingering and stuck in the past and let that conquered my mental well-being. I had wished to move on so much, but that isn't easy -- in fact, it's difficult f...

  [12/032016] There was a heated discussion about people who self-diagnose and self-proclaim of having a certain illnesses, usually mental illness. It all began when one lady admitted publicly on social media that she suffered depression, anxiety and social anxiety. It is a rare sight and occasion for this to happen, though. I find that the discussion should be taken seriously and with precaution. First and foremost, if I were to be asked of my own opinions, no, I do not like people who self-diagnose, but then again thinking back about it, our lack of awareness and understanding of mental illness and mental health itself has caused this problem to prolong. I find it unfair to only blame the people who self-diagnose for their unethical diagnosis. I find it to be cruel to bash them for their lack of understanding and awareness. For all we know, their diagnosis might be true! Rather than bashing them out about it, why not take that chance and help and educate them while they're at the...

Serene : Pursue your dreams NOT out of spite. Not 'to take revenge', or 'to prove them wrong' or to be 'better than them'. The people who have hurt you will be gone, will forget, will not care. Don't dedicate anything for them because, by the time you succeed, they will not see, they will be busy minding their own problems, and you don't deserve that emptiness and tiredness. Be drive by YOU. By your own happiness, your own improvement and peace. At the end of the day, you will carry your success story serenely.  --------------------------------- What is my biggest life lesson that I learned too late? You don't have to prove to others just to make a point -- being able to become a person that they thought I wouldn't be able to. There are so many things that they threw at me, and those words were very hurtful and it kind of caused me my confidence. They robbed me of being okay about myself. They managed to make me hate myself because I believed wha...

(2018) I have this strong urge to comment on people self-diagnosing mental illnesses and critic the behavior, but criticism won't go anywhere in this issue. You see, there is an explainable reason why I chose to stop talking about mental health and the lot; to prevent catastrophe and more misconceptions. However, I think I might make today an exception, so let me speak. There will be two parts of this, ie A) the self-diagnose, and B) the warriors. (However, I really don't wanna touch the issue of mental health warriors. It's kinda annoying and triggering, so I'll skip that for now.) I recently listened to a spoken word slam poetry entitled "Broken Isn't Beautiful" and it tackled the issue of people self-diagnosing themselves and how it makes the issues of mental health look petty and romanticising mental illnesses. (You can search for the slam poetry on Youtube) We tend to use the word depression, OCD, bipolar as something normal. We are making them a labe...

 "She doesn't look like she has a mental illness. What made her suicidal anyway? Did she broke up with her boyfriend? How can she even have the audacity to even think about suicide anyway? Maybe she's just over-reacting from stress. Or what if she's just attention seeking?" In truth, there are many other words that are being thrown at when it comes to the topic of mental health. However, I seldom blame them. It's not like we didn't try to give awareness, sometimes it is ourselves as patients that give the distorted perspectives and perception regarding mental health. Haaa! I know you're eager to comment me and condemn on this! But I don't mind actually, and this is also the reality even patients can't accept. Stigma doesn't only happen to and from people, but it can also happen within the fighters and warriors of this battle. I prefer to talk face-to-face when it comes to something that is clear in reality rather than those of hidden ones. ...

 If the walls could talk What language would it speak? Would it speak the language of love? Language of joy? Of eternal bliss or language of light? Would it speak of only the good, Would the bad be included? Then I begin to think back, upon the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the years of when my walls, the years of when my walls were the ears and eyes. If my walls could talk, what language would it speak? Would it speak of the language of darkness? The sleepless nights spent crying? The nights and days that I bled? Would it talk how cold it was? How they witnesses me breaking down and crumbling? Would it share the times only silence came? Of the days only pills worked best? The days each cigarettes inhaled and puffed, to numb the voices that came from each corner? Would they speak of times I punched them. The screams that I let out and tears shed? Would they talk about that little girl, who tried but never enough? If my walls could talk, I'd forced them to st...

 I sat there, on that bench, with a cat on my lap. Papers were sprawled on the table ; I was doing some revision -- or so I thought. There were so many notes from lectures, but somehow I couldn't devour the pages of written words. My mind was wondering somewhere else.Now, where did my mind go? It went back to those days. It may have been a decade after that remark happened, but it's etched deep inside my mind. It's stuck, like a parasite. Eating me slowly, and somehow I did not see it. I thought it was just a normal kind of memory to have. It was just a part of growing up, but... The pain didn't go away. I still feel the pain, It's as though it happened just yesterday. To others, it may not be a problem, but it's a problem for me. I let that remark drenched me in the tears of agony.  What happened that make me hard to forget? It was just a harsh remark from a teacher, and the disappearance of friends and support was gone in a split of time. Losing so many people...

As I watched my little nephew (the second child of my older sister) grow, I began to think about how slowly life goes on and without our knowing, time ages us. Have you heard Adele's song : When We Were Young? That song always remind me of the times I lost , the times I wasted. My youth and adolescent life has long gone, and I am in my half a century. Still a young adult trying to figure out what's my role in my lifetime. Am I someone who withdraws, or someone who can make some change in this world? May it be a small change, I want to be one of the role to be beneficial for the people around me. I remember one teacher that changed my view of life and a few hopes that I can do and take for this life. I learnt to be someone who cares and someone who grasp compassion tightly. Funny that I can describe what I want or what I see now, for words (written as it is) has finally failed me. I haven't written for ages, and today I feel it the need to write (type that is!). ...

To the women who have been used, Those who have been abused. To the women whose innocence robbed, Those who shall never be the same again. Stay, and stand strong. It may all seem to be gone, Robbed and shattered by reckless men, Ignored by our senseless society, Broken by our own naivety, But stay, and stand strong. To the women who feel dirty and used, Those who fell victim of sweet nothingness. Stay, and stand strong. The nightmares shall pass. Stay, and stand strong. We are still loved and beautiful. Stay, and stand strong. No longer we are the weak women, We are the women of power. Standing strong and tall, And this life is ours to take, And ours to dictate. No longer shall you harrass, No longer shall you abuse. No longer shall you see us as weaklings, For we are women of steel. Stay, and stand strong. - 8th May 2018, 7.19pm