2008/2009

 I sat there, on that bench, with a cat on my lap. Papers were sprawled on the table ; I was doing some revision -- or so I thought. There were so many notes from lectures, but somehow I couldn't devour the pages of written words. My mind was wondering somewhere else.Now, where did my mind go?

It went back to those days.

It may have been a decade after that remark happened, but it's etched deep inside my mind. It's stuck, like a parasite. Eating me slowly, and somehow I did not see it. I thought it was just a normal kind of memory to have. It was just a part of growing up, but... The pain didn't go away. I still feel the pain, It's as though it happened just yesterday. To others, it may not be a problem, but it's a problem for me. I let that remark drenched me in the tears of agony. 

What happened that make me hard to forget?

It was just a harsh remark from a teacher, and the disappearance of friends and support was gone in a split of time. Losing so many people was terrible as I was left with emptiness. Luckily enough though, I still had a few people that stayed despite the mess. They didn't let any prejudice disrupts our friendship.

"You are more terrible than an animal. You should be ashamed of yourself. It seems like your family hasn't any religion and a disgrace to Islam itself. You'll fail in everything you do! You only bring disaster towards your friends! You're a sinner," she said, raising her voice and turning all attention to me -- and I was just minding my own business when she suddenly said those words. I still don't know the reason as to why she said all of those. It felt like as if I had done something so terribly wrong and as I looked around the classroom, they gave me this stare that pierced my heart -- they were stares and glares of disgust, and some were smiling, as if they got entertained by those words.

Being a teenager at the time, I felt so betrayed. Why? Because she was an Ustazah. She was well known for her kindness and her personality was very great. And I felt that way to, until she said those things to me -- and also towards my best friend (who, Alhamdudillah, she's still here right by my side). She paid no attention towards our shocked faces and still continued to harrass us with harsh things. Yes, I call them harrassment! We were teenagers, and we had absolutely no clue as to why she did those things. Despicable things, that's what I call them.

I was a very social person when I was a teenager, so I had so many friends. I was proud of having many friends. They gave me such strong support when I faltered in my studies. They helped me get ready to face the consequences of family issues and some cracked friendship. They made me a part of them, and I am blessed with the few faces that still stayed with me even after those harsh abuse. Somehow, and I don't know why they accepted those abuse.

I felt lost. I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. I felt pain. I felt confused. 

Despite those feeling though, I still have friends that are still in my life when I lost the majority of them. The reason I hated school so much was because of this. I began to have a distorted view towards teachers, and all I felt was that they will downgrade me and belittle me like what others saw in me. I know teachers are doing their best in educating, but I hated them with all my heart. I hated seeing them, hated when they're in class. I hated them and I became a reckless student. I began to not listen to them. I began to not respect them. I wanted them out from my life -- but that would never happen. I still have to face them daily, and that pained me so much to a point I stopped caring about my studies. I put blame towards my teachers -- until I met one that catered my aching heart and changed my views towards teachers.

Who is she?

That'll be some other time to talk about.

After a decade, I still feel the pain. I still see those scars. I call them battle scars. I still feel the words piercing my heart and sometimes I would go into this panic moment. They call it a panic attack, and maybe, yes, maybe I have a panic attack whenever those moments comes to mind.

However, I thanked this because it made me pursue counselling for a diploma. After being told that I would only bring pain to my friends, after being told that I'll fail in everything, after being told that I was terrible in everything, I finally took those moments as a trigger as to why I took counselling. I swayed from taking TESL into the world of counselling. Indeed, when I took that diploma, everyone was surprised and I love those surprised looks. Yes, I look cruel, but I stood up and walk proudly.

You see, our teenage days would be terrible, but it would be ourselves to pick up those broken pieces and finish the puzzle. There would be some pieces lost, but you can still see the images on the puzzle. It's difficult. It's agonizing. It's painful, but know this : pain are only triggers to fight even harder.

Yes, I still feel all those emotions, but now I am taking all of those as something that pushes me forward and ultimately changes my own view towards educators. Now I see teachers as wonderful beings. Wonderful people who are able to shape their students. Wonderful people that give pushes towards a better tommorrow.

Hello, I am Mardyati and I survived.